Bits: Full body apparition edition

Zak Bagans didn’t believe in ghosts until he saw one. Now he is part of a Three-Amigos-meets-Megadeth-roadies posse of men who hunt them on the Travel Channel’s situation comedy X-treme reality show “Ghost Adventures.” Bagans & Co. aren’t pussies like those affable wimps on “Ghost Hunters Interntional,” who try to lure apparitions with quaint British accents and 1970s transistor radio technology. Bagans taunts the ghosts, asks to be pushed down flights of steps or slapped in the face. “If this is the gates of hell, why don’t you come out and get me!” the hero growls.

(Show us on the doll where the shadow man touched you, Zak.)

Is Bagans hot? His skin bulges with muscles, like badly whipped mashed potatoes. His tight black T’shirts reveal paranormal-activity-induced temperature drops with pinpoint accuracy. He speaks in a Keanu Reeves tenor. He has the wingspan of a Wyvern. His baggy black jeans, and that chain that connects to his wallet say: “I don’t skateboard. But I know some people who do, and sometimes I hang out with them. Behind the Pump ‘n’ Munch.”

There is no doubt that Bagans is a badass. He pushes the limits. “Don’t taunt the voodoo,” his friends had to remind him when he got verbally abusive with the air an empty room in New Orleans. One time he was possessed by an old woman. It was like his entire face was in drag.

Originally posted on July 20, 2009 on Schadenfreude.

Bits: ‘I was Michael Cera first’

**BREAKING**
The Supreme Court of New York has ruled in favor of a disheveled and geeky young actor wearing an ironic T under a hoodie, who claims “I was Michael Cera first.”

Jesse Eisenberg, 25, star of the film “Adventureland,” displayed his signature bad posture and said something witty without any inflection when the verdict was read. A handful of pregnant teen-aged girls sporting pony tails and Converse low tops rolled their eyes with delight in the back of the court room.

Eisenberg asked the court to recognize that in the 2005 film “Cursed,” he played a bumbling nerd with touseled tresses who, after being attacked by a werewolf, develops self-confidence, a wrestling prowess, and hair product. When the title curse is lifted, he goes back to being a lanky loser — but gets the girl.

“Then Michael Cera comes along, and is in a few slightly more successful movies playing basically me,” Eisenberg stammered for a small audience on the steps of the courthouse. “Michael Cera, Michael Cera … Everybody loves Michael Cera. Say the name Jesse Eisenberg and people are like, ‘Is he that weird guy in our chemistry class?’”

Eisenberg noted that he had long been a fan of the Smiths — and also some obscure indie bands “Michael Cera has never even heard of” — plays acoustic guitar, and regularly carries a backpack.

Cera did not respond to dozens of  calls made from a hamburger-shaped phone.

Originally posted on August 24, 2009, on Schadenfreude.